(Fiona speaks...)
I never thought I would have clinical depression, but now thinking back to 2008 when I was doing the musical Last Smile, First Tear, I already had issues. If I went to seek treatment earlier, perhaps the situation wouldn't have been so serious. In 2009 when I was shooting the film Comedie Humaine, I fell ill and my weight rapidly dropped to 85 pounds. I played a crazy character, having to cry was just like turning on the boiling pot. Once I NG, I stopped and everyone praised that I grasped the role well. I thought inside: 'Of course, I really am going crazy!" Who would have thought I was taking drugs while shooting the film!
At the time I felt many things were pushed to me at once, I would make a big deal out of it. I felt many people were letting me down, many things were unpleasant. I felt that I would be a pitiful girl forever. When you are near death, you will feel its not a big deal. The first time I saw myself having a problem was when I was at the hair studio and I ordered take out. Because I got the wrong soup base, I started crying madly, even the hairstylist was frightened. In fact, at the time I already thought I was not acting normal, but I didn't know I was ill. I was so afraid to go out, and even when I was at home I was scared. I had trouble communicating with my mom, the arguments we had just made my depression even worse. I started getting thinner and thinner. Each day I would be full out of just half a cup of noodles, and I was always thinking about dying. I started to play with slitting my hand because I felt there was a lot of pain inside that couldn't be seen, I was thinking of different ways to die each day. I wanted to die as soon as possible.
Didn't want to affect others because of illness
One time I even tried taking sleeping pills with red wine. In fact, at the time I subconsciously knew that I didn't take enough, but I just gave it a shot telling myself, 'If I want to die, then die!" It was only until one night I felt so hopeless, and cried like a maniac. I felt a strong force pushing me to die, I told myself: "No, tonight you must die." But in the end, I couldn't do it because I felt depression is such a selfish disease. And I still had a tad of non-selfishness in me. When I thought of myself dead, then my parents would be very worried and I would have affected the entire filming crew and they would lose money. At the time, my thought of death was so strong, even I felt frightened by it. The first time I recognized my depression, the first time I decided to tell my secret to someone, that was when I called Khalil Fong sobbing: "I want to commit suicide, can you stop me?"
Khalil was very rational and talked to me about it. Before we got off the call, Khalil asked me: "Are you certain you won't die tonight?" He wanted me to be certain before he hangs up. However, then he turned around and called my mom and told her. I got so mad at him because I trusted him. The first person I told was him, I didn't even tell my parents because I was afraid they would worry, but how could he go back and tell my mom.
Today, of course I know what he did was right. At first, I was even hiding this from my company because I just felt it was considered personal matters, but later I had no other choice but to speak up. Because I had to work, I needed sleep. I chose to take sleeping pills and each night I would take 3 super powerful sleeping pills before I could actually fall asleep. However, whenever the alarm or phone rings, I couldn't hear any of it. If my company didn't know I was ill, then it would be hard for us to continue the collaboration. I didn't want my company to think I'm not into my work.
Asking for Forgiveness is the most difficult
My depression came so sudden and it vanished fast. Strangely it was just a year. It was because my two good friends from outside of the industry stuck by my side, encouraging me to go see the doctor and reminded to take my medicine everyday. At the time, I had two psychologists, one prescribed the medication to me and the other just chatted with me. Aside from doctors, I had God's help. Two strangers, a married couple from Singapore, volunteered to advise me , brought me into prayers and from the bottom of my heart I forgave each and everyone that has hurt me. However, the most difficult is asking God for his forgiveness, I cried deeply, but when forgiving others, still have to release yourself. Then I was fortunate to have read a book, I read about God's words: "He will promise you the best for you!" After soul-searching and a year of therapy, I started smiling again. Perhaps, it is because my mind opened up. That day the doctor prescribed me with a box of multi-colored drugs, today, I still have them on the night table besides my bed. It serves as a memory.
Profile
Name: Fiona Sit / Fi
Birthday: August 11, 1981
Background: Fiona debuted at the age of 18 as a part-time model. She has done many commercials. In 2003, she signed with Warner Music. Since Fiona's debut, her most well known songs include: XBF, Keanu Reeve's Reply Letter and The Boy Resembles Me. Fiona started shooting films in 2005, and won the Best New Performer Award depending on her first film 2 Young. In 2010, she won 'Vietnam Film Festival's Best Actress Award' for her performance in Break Up Club and received a nomination at the Hong Kong Film Awards.
Khalil Fong first to help
When Fiona called Khalil about her depression and wanting to die, he calmly handled the situation. He said: "Everyone has their time of unhappiness, especially in this industry, it can get really pressuring and also especially for girls. At the time, I tried my best to talk to her, but I had to use my words carefully. I knew she had some emotional changes, and perhaps may be a little sensitive." Now that Fiona has gotten out of her depression and has recovered, as a friend Khalil is very happy. He said: "Friends and family can do something, and has already done what they can. If you don't allow people to help you and do inappropriate things, then that is really difficult. In fact, everyone has their difficulties, just do you know how to be in such negative spirits. There are many other places around the world with people that are even more miserable and pitiful."
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